This Is Part Of A Book I’m Writing, What Do You Think?
I’m only fifteen, and I’m still learning.
Any constructive criticism is appreciated 
**Please, DONT steal my work. Use your own brain.
Also there may be spots that say ” I ”
Those are originally in italics.
This is about the second chapter, so it may be a little confusing. But bear with me
The car screeched around the corner, and Ayla froze at the crosswalk. Maybe they were drunk or high on something. Or maybe they were just running late, but whatever there excuse they didn’t see her. Her mind screamed at her to run, or just to do something, but here body couldn’t.
They weren’t stopping. They’re going to hit me, she realized. Ayla’s heart thudded in her chest, as the car sped closer, an incoming death.
Her whole body tingled, lightening shot through her. The Avalon raced toward her like an arrow. She squeezed her eyes shut, and braced herself. But the impact never came.
The scent of exhaust burned her nose, and caused Ayla to open her eyes. Startled to see the underside of a car, she jolted and sat up. Luckily the car drove forward as she did, saving her from a nasty bump on the head. That car… it was going to hit me… I should be dead. She thought over and over, seeing the image of the car racing towards her.
“Oh my gosh!” And a thudding of feet on the asphalt brought a person into her view. “Are you ok? Did you get hit? What happened? The young man was frantic.
Black fuzzed around her vision, and Ayla swayed.
“Somebody help! I think she was hit!” His voice sounded distant, then more rushing of feet.
She couldn’t concentrate. Everything lacked clarity, it felt like a dream. More bodies appeared in front of her. Concerned brown eyes stared into her silver ones. Their lips formed a question.
Ayla wanted to tell them that she was fine, just tired, But her head was heavy. And the world, it kept spinning. She was so dizzy.
She finally managed in a mumble “Just tired…,” before she let the blackness roll over her. A welcome sleep.
She was being cradled in someone’s arms. Panic and fear filled the atmosphere. Ayla felt small, and was wrapped in warm blankets. Voices cried out, but Ayla could not understand them. Crying rang in her ears. It took a moment before she realized it was her. Why am I crying? She was utterly confused, what’s going on? It was a dream, she realized. It had the feel, but still felt more vivid then her normal dreams. That could have been due to her extreme exhaustion, or perhaps it was a fever dream. .Usually her dreams didn’t make sense at all – things like riding the magic school bus to a desert house at the bottom of the ocean, and finding her fifth grade teacher as a zombie. This dream, though… it felt familiar in a way. Maybe it was based on a movie she’d seen.
Things around her were pure chaos. Things were exploding, and she was disturbed by the noises. The woman, who carried Ayla looked down at her burden, shushing her with friendly hazel eyes.
Kristy had to get Ayla out of the hospital before she broke something important. Plus, antiseptic smell was making her head hurt. Ayla laid restlessly twitching, and obviously not having a peaceful sleep. This was causing her to fly out of out of control. Due to Ayla’s dominant blood line, Kristy-also of strong blood- was struggling to keep her from braking hospital equipment-or people.
Then finally the nurse came bustling in, and Kristy stood up.
“I would like to take my daughter home now” She said, putting emphasize on the now.
The red headed nurse frowned, “I don’t think that would be wise. We’d like to wait until she wakes up to question her.”
“There is no concussion, no broken bones or bruises, not even a scratch to suggest she may have been hit by a car or anything else for that matter. Am I correct?”
“Well yes but-“
“Then I’d like to take her home,” Kristy interrupted, impatiently. Which was uncharacteristic for her, but the smell and effort of controlling Ayla along with her stress had drained any patience. She needed to get them both out of there before she herself fainted from Power Overexertion.
Sighing the nurse said she’d go fetch the doctor. As Kristy waited she drummed her fingers on the table, listened to the ticking of the clock and the sounds of Ayla moving on the bed.
She had small beads of sweat on her forehead when at long last the Doctor walked in. He tried as the nurse had-unsuccessfully- to convince Kristy to leave Ayla at the hospital. She promised she’d bring her back in at the smallest sign of a problem. The nurse wheeled a groggy Ayla out to the car, and together the two women hauled her in.
Ayla was still disoriented, so Kristy let her be. The drive home was long with the continuing battle over Ayla’s powers. She decided as soon as Ayla was well, she’d tell her what she was. Or at least what she needed to know
This Is Part Of A Book I’m Writing, What Do You Think?
I’m only fifteen, and I’m still learning.
Any constructive criticism is appreciated
**Please, DONT steal my work. Use your own brain.
Also there may be spots that say ” I ”
Those are originally in italics.
This is about the second chapter, so it may be a little confusing. But bear with me
The car screeched around the corner, and Ayla froze at the crosswalk. Maybe they were drunk or high on something. Or maybe they were just running late, but whatever there excuse they didn’t see her. Her mind screamed at her to run, or just to do something, but here body couldn’t.
They weren’t stopping. They’re going to hit me, she realized. Ayla’s heart thudded in her chest, as the car sped closer, an incoming death.
Her whole body tingled, lightening shot through her. The Avalon raced toward her like an arrow. She squeezed her eyes shut, and braced herself. But the impact never came.
The scent of exhaust burned her nose, and caused Ayla to open her eyes. Startled to see the underside of a car, she jolted and sat up. Luckily the car drove forward as she did, saving her from a nasty bump on the head. That car… it was going to hit me… I should be dead. She thought over and over, seeing the image of the car racing towards her.
“Oh my gosh!” And a thudding of feet on the asphalt brought a person into her view. “Are you ok? Did you get hit? What happened? The young man was frantic.
Black fuzzed around her vision, and Ayla swayed.
“Somebody help! I think she was hit!” His voice sounded distant, then more rushing of feet.
She couldn’t concentrate. Everything lacked clarity, it felt like a dream. More bodies appeared in front of her. Concerned brown eyes stared into her silver ones. Their lips formed a question.
Ayla wanted to tell them that she was fine, just tired, But her head was heavy. And the world, it kept spinning. She was so dizzy.
She finally managed in a mumble “Just tired…,” before she let the blackness roll over her. A welcome sleep.
She was being cradled in someone’s arms. Panic and fear filled the atmosphere. Ayla felt small, and was wrapped in warm blankets. Voices cried out, but Ayla could not understand them. Crying rang in her ears. It took a moment before she realized it was her. Why am I crying? She was utterly confused, what’s going on? It was a dream, she realized. It had the feel, but still felt more vivid then her normal dreams. That could have been due to her extreme exhaustion, or perhaps it was a fever dream. .Usually her dreams didn’t make sense at all – things like riding the magic school bus to a desert house at the bottom of the ocean, and finding her fifth grade teacher as a zombie. This dream, though… it felt familiar in a way. Maybe it was based on a movie she’d seen.
Things around her were pure chaos. Things were exploding, and she was disturbed by the noises. The woman, who carried Ayla looked down at her burden, shushing her with friendly hazel eyes.
Kristy had to get Ayla out of the hospital before she broke something important. Plus, antiseptic smell was making her head hurt. Ayla laid restlessly twitching, and obviously not having a peaceful sleep. This was causing her to fly out of out of control. Due to Ayla’s dominant blood line, Kristy-also of strong blood- was struggling to keep her from braking hospital equipment-or people.
Then finally the nurse came bustling in, and Kristy stood up.
“I would like to take my daughter home now” She said, putting emphasize on the now.
The red headed nurse frowned, “I don’t think that would be wise. We’d like to wait until she wakes up to question her.”
“There is no concussion, no broken bones or bruises, not even a scratch to suggest she may have been hit by a car or anything else for that matter. Am I correct?”
“Well yes but-“
“Then I’d like to take her home,” Kristy interrupted, impatiently. Which was uncharacteristic for her, but the smell and effort of controlling Ayla along with her stress had drained any patience. She needed to get them both out of there before she herself fainted from Power Overexertion.
Sighing the nurse said she’d go fetch the doctor. As Kristy waited she drummed her fingers on the table, listened to the ticking of the clock and the sounds of Ayla moving on the bed.
She had small beads of sweat on her forehead when at long last the Doctor walked in. He tried as the nurse had-unsuccessfully- to convince Kristy to leave Ayla at the hospital. She promised she’d bring her back in at the smallest sign of a problem. The nurse wheeled a groggy Ayla out to the car, and together the two women hauled her in.
Ayla was still disoriented, so Kristy let her be. The drive home was long with the continuing battle over Ayla’s powers. She decided as soon as Ayla was well, she’d tell her what she was. Or at least what she needed to know
This Is Part Of A Book I’m Writing, What Do You Think?
I’m only fifteen, and I’m still learning.
Any constructive criticism is appreciated
**Please, DONT steal my work. Use your own brain.
Also there may be spots that say ” I ”
Those are originally in italics.
This is about the second chapter, so it may be a little confusing. But bear with me
The car screeched around the corner, and Ayla froze at the crosswalk. Maybe they were drunk or high on something. Or maybe they were just running late, but whatever there excuse they didn’t see her. Her mind screamed at her to run, or just to do something, but here body couldn’t.
They weren’t stopping. They’re going to hit me, she realized. Ayla’s heart thudded in her chest, as the car sped closer, an incoming death.
Her whole body tingled, lightening shot through her. The Avalon raced toward her like an arrow. She squeezed her eyes shut, and braced herself. But the impact never came.
The scent of exhaust burned her nose, and caused Ayla to open her eyes. Startled to see the underside of a car, she jolted and sat up. Luckily the car drove forward as she did, saving her from a nasty bump on the head. That car… it was going to hit me… I should be dead. She thought over and over, seeing the image of the car racing towards her.
“Oh my gosh!” And a thudding of feet on the asphalt brought a person into her view. “Are you ok? Did you get hit? What happened? The young man was frantic.
Black fuzzed around her vision, and Ayla swayed.
“Somebody help! I think she was hit!” His voice sounded distant, then more rushing of feet.
She couldn’t concentrate. Everything lacked clarity, it felt like a dream. More bodies appeared in front of her. Concerned brown eyes stared into her silver ones. Their lips formed a question.
Ayla wanted to tell them that she was fine, just tired, But her head was heavy. And the world, it kept spinning. She was so dizzy.
She finally managed in a mumble “Just tired…,” before she let the blackness roll over her. A welcome sleep.
She was being cradled in someone’s arms. Panic and fear filled the atmosphere. Ayla felt small, and was wrapped in warm blankets. Voices cried out, but Ayla could not understand them. Crying rang in her ears. It took a moment before she realized it was her. Why am I crying? She was utterly confused, what’s going on? It was a dream, she realized. It had the feel, but still felt more vivid then her normal dreams. That could have been due to her extreme exhaustion, or perhaps it was a fever dream. .Usually her dreams didn’t make sense at all – things like riding the magic school bus to a desert house at the bottom of the ocean, and finding her fifth grade teacher as a zombie. This dream, though… it felt familiar in a way. Maybe it was based on a movie she’d seen.
Things around her were pure chaos. Things were exploding, and she was disturbed by the noises. The woman, who carried Ayla looked down at her burden, shushing her with friendly hazel eyes.
Kristy had to get Ayla out of the hospital before she broke something important. Plus, antiseptic smell was making her head hurt. Ayla laid restlessly twitching, and obviously not having a peaceful sleep. This was causing her to fly out of out of control. Due to Ayla’s dominant blood line, Kristy-also of strong blood- was struggling to keep her from braking hospital equipment-or people.
Then finally the nurse came bustling in, and Kristy stood up.
“I would like to take my daughter home now” She said, putting emphasize on the now.
The red headed nurse frowned, “I don’t think that would be wise. We’d like to wait until she wakes up to question her.”
“There is no concussion, no broken bones or bruises, not even a scratch to suggest she may have been hit by a car or anything else for that matter. Am I correct?”
“Well yes but-“
“Then I’d like to take her home,” Kristy interrupted, impatiently. Which was uncharacteristic for her, but the smell and effort of controlling Ayla along with her stress had drained any patience. She needed to get them both out of there before she herself fainted from Power Overexertion.
Sighing the nurse said she’d go fetch the doctor. As Kristy waited she drummed her fingers on the table, listened to the ticking of the clock and the sounds of Ayla moving on the bed.
She had small beads of sweat on her forehead when at long last the Doctor walked in. He tried as the nurse had-unsuccessfully- to convince Kristy to leave Ayla at the hospital. She promised she’d bring her back in at the smallest sign of a problem. The nurse wheeled a groggy Ayla out to the car, and together the two women hauled her in.
Ayla was still disoriented, so Kristy let her be. The drive home was long with the continuing battle over Ayla’s powers. She decided as soon as Ayla was well, she’d tell her what she was. Or at least what she needed to know
I’m Writing A Story At The Moment About A Small Small Town That Was Built With Magic.
The town is so small it has only a one room school house, and 179 population. I would like to know what year that the holiday ‘Halloween’ was declared a holiday, because the story shifts between the present time, and 200 years before when it was built, on Halloween. By present time, I mean back when they still used one room school houses. Any help with the Halloween holiday problem would be appreciated!
* If Halloween was declared a holiday only recently (after AD1800) then I suppose I could make some changes *
Narrative Writing For School, Need Suggestions?
So I have to write a personal narrative for school that should be 500-700 words. I wrote mine, but it’s actually like 1110 words, so my teacher told me to try to cut it down to about 800 or 900. I am having trouble deleting parts, so I need suggestion on how to shorten it or improve it. Thanks so much! And please don’t leave comments like “Who would read all this crap?!” because I really need the feedback. Well, here it is:
Snow, Slopes, and Skis
I imagined the snow drifting off my skis as I dangled my legs from the ski lift, 8000 feet high in the Sierra Nevada mountains. It was a perfect morning in Lake Tahoe. The sun shone brightly, a light wind caressed my face, and perfect, powdery snow was falling; it was like the mountain was calling to me to get myself over there and zip down the slopes. Winter break had recently begun and enjoying the snow and activities Lake Tahoe had to offer was an annual ritual every winter. Every year until now, it was just my family: my older brother, my mom, my dad, and me. But, this year I held much higher expectations about the amount of fun we were going to have, because three of my cousins and their families were coming along with us. On the fun quotient, the more the merrier! There were ten of us altogether, five kids and five adults. The kids included my 15 year old brother, Jake, my 9 year old energetic cousin, Emily, her jovial 7 year old sister, Jane, my 9 year old, hilarious cousin, Landon, and me. After waking up groggily and putting on 4 layers of thermals, we rushed through a toasty breakfast, lesson sign-ups, and equipment rentals. While listening to our instructor, our thoughts varied from “Oh shoot! Where’d my DS go?” to “Hmm…I wonder if I’ll be able to drink hot chocolate this year without burning my tongue…” to “I need to tell him to put on sunscreen… ” I was all fired up from a mix of hot chocolate, Belgian waffles, and just pure excitement to get on the slopes.
Our instructor, a professional skier from Australia, warmly introduced himself as Jacob. He described a general idea of what our day was going to be like, and we were off. Trudging through the snow, all six of us hopped into the gondola with our skis and poles and traveled up the mountain. Since most of us had skied before, Jacob led us through one warm-up slope and from then on, we skied mostly intermediate runs, with a few advanced, steeper slopes here and there.
“So where are you all from?” Jacob queried as we made our way through the lengthy line to get on the ski lift. The queue was packed with all sorts of people. I glanced around, taking in all the scenery, the bright colors of resorts and restaurants, and the specks on the mountain which appeared to be people as they advanced down the slopes. I picked up a map of the runs on the mountain. I recognized a few of them, but many were new to me.
“Sacramento. Not too far away,” I said.
“Bay area,” Jane and Emily said in unison.
“Los Angeles!” Landon said, squinting at the sun reflecting off the white snow.
We cautiously seated ourselves on the six-person ski lift. After a serene, ten minute ride to the summit, I braced myself for the landing and smoothly got off the lift.
“Wow. What a view, guys!” Jake exclaimed.
The stunning view of Lake Tahoe couldn’t have been appreciated from a better place than the top of this mountain at the Northstar Resort. A crystal-clear body of water reflected the snow-covered mountains, sprinkled with evergreen trees. After a moment of awe, Jacob directed us to a slope called Magic Moguls, my personal favorite. It was a series of moguls – small hills, bumps, and dips which you could jump over. I squealed in delight as I glided over the mounds and then playfully ran into Jane. We both slid and fell, but it was a light fall, so I carefully stood up, making sure I was parallel to the bottom of the run – staying parallel ensures you won’t slide down. Helping Janu up, we both skied down the remaining portion of the slope and joined the rest of our group.
Checking his watch, Jacob told us that it was almost noon. We took the chairlift back up to the summit and made our way across the snow to a large, crowded restaurant. People were packed into it, but the warmth of the building felt good. After a quick lunch of burgers and salad, we headed towards the slope labeled East Ridge, also known as the east side of the mountain. It was a long run, all the way down the mountain, with slopes off the side you could ski down. I saw a run named Delight – it was an advanced slope and seemed really steep. I peered down to survey the run. It was…well, it looked just a little bit away from being completely vertical. I had only skied one advanced slope in my life, and this one looked much harder.
“You want to do this one, Alyssa?” Jacob asked with a grin.
“Oh! Uh…” I stammered. Many people were skiing down it, making it look easier. Nevertheless, I still was a bit unsure.
“Yeah! Let
I’m Writing A Witch And Wizard Story. I Need A Latin Name For The Boarding School And The Good Side.?
This is not like Harry Potter. The bad side is called “The Truth” (in english). The bad is good and the good is bad (not known until the middle or end). One character, maybe the main one, is based on the personality of Bellatrix (H.P.). “The Truth” characters have evil names. When the witches and wizards move to the world of magic for good, they choose their side, but the school tries to convince them that the bad is wrong and they should stick to the good side. For more information, email me and give me suggestions.
Any Good Writing Groups?
I am a writer of a magic/high-school book, and I was wondering if there were any Yahoo 360 or Yahoo, AIM, AOL, MSN, basically anywhere on the interenet groups who would criqtique my writing and I could critique theirs? Please send links!
